The Gate to Hell..

starts with access to a "celebrity exclusive" dating app

Let’s just get right into it, yea? I am not a dating app person. In fact, I downloaded this app, you know the one, for the first time in the very beginning of 2023. I was trying to move on from my ex, ready to put myself out there, or so I thought. Met a guy that I instantly started dating, talk about the whale that swallowed us both, and that took almost my entire year 30. I remember my baby sister said, “You do realize he has taken all of thirty?” My throat went dry and that was the end of that. One month total spent on the app, and it was over.

Flash forward to August 2025. I’m about to leave London after spending the entirety of the summer there, and I redownload it. I met so many guys out in the wild that summer, enough to where I wrote an ENTIRE book about it, so I had no need for that app. I think, in the moment, I was looking for validation of something then. Anyway, I stayed on for one week, was traumatized again, and deleted it after seven days exactly.

I’d like to note that I also tried getting on another very popular app that same week, ya know, the one with the prompts or whatever. I make an account, don’t talk to a single person, and wake up the next morning to an email from them that I was banned. I didn’t even use it! Talk about the universe saying", “Girl, this really is not it for you.” I laughed it off and moved on. I had enough on my plate as is, trust.

Now, let’s flash forward yet again. It’s April of 2026. I’ve just finished writing my book, and I’m feeling, well, absolutely restless. The main guy from this whole flipping story and I are….. in an interesting place. I’m young, I’m hot, I’m ready to date! I sign back in and pay $25 or whatever it is. Ridiculous. I’m instantly met with an assortment of guys, and in the moment, they are all British. Heaven! Something about the Brits, they love American girls, and you can quote me on that.

Now, I told myself I was going to stay on this thing for the whole month, and then I’d never see the blue light of a dating app ever again. The rule of threes, I guess. The first thing I noticed upon talking to these guys is…. they are tall. I’m talking nowhere under 6’1. I’m pretty sure it’s not allowed to be an under 6’ ft guy in London these days. I believe they did away with this during Brexit..? :)

Anyway, they are hot, funny, and super into the fact that I’m a writer. I’m certain they all wanted me to write about them. Honey, we met on a dating app. Your story is going on Substack at best. That’s absolutely no shade to them, but when you read this book and how me and the guy met, you’ll understand. My person was never behind a screen. I met him in another dimension entirely, and that is no joke.

Le sigh, let’s get back to the present, eh? I have a few friends who have met their person on an app, which is lovely, and I 100% understand the desire for some. It is simply not for me. So, just know, this isn’t coming from a place of judgement. I just… have thoughts.

I get back to New York City and I still have three weeks left on this thing. I’m thinking, alright girl, let’s get to work. I go out with some guys, interesting dinners for sure, but the one thing I can’t get over is the app itself. My favorite part were the selfies. WHY ARE MEN TAKING SELFIES???? Not only one, mind you, but some of these guys had multiple?? I’m sorry but that’s worse than the fish holding photos I’ve seen on TikTok. It’s bleak, girl. Not to mention, did absolutely no one tell them those pants were too tight, and not in a good way. Printing? Is that what y’all are calling it? Oh my gawdddd.

I wouldn’t even call myself jaded.. just in shock! I finally go on a date with this one guy. A lawyer, who checked all my boxes, enough to make it to date two. He’s funny, he’s smart, and he’s sarcastic. We closed down a little restaurant on the Upper East Side and make it back to my place. He left his briefcase there as he came straight from the office. I was kinda into the idea, dating a local guy, considering every boy I had feelings for since April of the year prior are in London. It felt nice, easy even. I was excited. I was also buzzing from two glasses of a full-bodied red.

My son is at his dad’s place, and the apartment is dark and quiet. I turn on the lamp on my dresser as he takes his suit jacket off. I can see how chiseled he is through his shirt, knowing he’s blissfully unaware of the effect he’s having over me in this moment. His eyes are a piercing blue and he’s quite tall. Okay, I’m thinking, this guy could actually be a contender. Then, he gently pushes my back against the dresser to kiss me. I actually melt into this dude, and I let him do his bidding. It feels good, he feels nice, and just as he tilts my chin up to him and places his hands in my hair I decide I’ll give him an honest chance. Who cares if he’s from a dating app, yeah my friends will roll their eyes, yeah this goes against everything I’ve said about technology and dating..

Then, right when I’m starting to think I could even date him, even if he isn’t the London guy.. whatever… he does the following..

You didn’t think I could tell you this all in one essay, did you??

Till next time,

B